Christmas can be all year long!!

She was walking up the trail from the slum toward me as I was heading down the same path...I saw her face...she was carrying her shoes, since the trail was just red, rain soaked African mud and clay...our eyes met and I knew her need instantly...I do not know how...but it had happened before...I moved with my inner voice..."you are looking for a job?" "Yes, Muzungu, I am looking even now...I need to have work to feed my family." I paused for a moment and looked at her. She was wearing some clothing from Owino Market, the place where people went to find second hand clothing...I could see that this was her best and only outfit, we stood there, in silence when I said to her, "You have no money for transport, do you?" She nodded, "I have no food for my children." I reached into my pocket and peeled off 50,000 shillings, only 50 dollars US, but enough to buy food for a month and give her money for the little taxi buses that cruised all over Kampala, filled to the brink with bodies stuffed like sardines.

As I handed her the money she cried and told me that she could not take this, but had to, and that she was glad and was going to pray for me, that this morning she had prayed for a blessing, for a sign and there I was.

We walked on, she rejoicing and I reflecting on what just happened to me, to us. I had just been part of the divine plan to keep a part of which I had in circulation, to allow a miracle take place, to pass on what had been given to me. So often I had not been sensitive enough to needs around me, so often I had been on the other side and not able to receive. In fact one of my lifelong struggles had been receiving gifts, praise, blessings, joys...of all kinds, often thinking that I did not deserve them, did not work for them, or some other reason that kept me from enjoying the things set in front of me.

As I kept heading down the trail to a small school I had started in this area I thought back to another time in my life, back in Germany when things were not so easy, when everyday life was a real struggle for my mother, when she did everything after my father had deserted us.

As a child I had been taught that when someone offered me something, I was supposed to say, "No, thank you." I had been taught to deny the fact that I had any needs. When offered something at one of my friends homes, I should say, "I am OK, no, thank you." Even though in reality I really wanted it. I started to laugh at all the things I had turned down and simply missed out on; so many joys and blessings. I realized that I had never learned how to receive...That I could not be like this woman and receive graciously, even when I needed something and somehow God wanted to show me a grace gift, a blessing through another human being. How many times had I turned down a delicious treat because some strange form of Germanic pride that touted self-sufficiency as one of its highest goals. I had been taught to appear like I always had it together, in need of no one's help.

My thoughts went back to the Christmas when we had literally nothing, no money, no food, I even stole a Christmas Tree in the forest and brought it home under cover of darkness, telling my mother that I found it.

My mother had told my sister Karin and myself that Christmas would be a small one, with just a small gift for each of us. We lived in area far from family, far from friends, no income and not much hope either, even though I prayed nightly for a miracle.

As we were sitting there, we heard a knock on the door, my mother and I went outside to a porch-like area, and we were met by two men with large baskets filled with food and presents. Mother started to cry tears of joy, happiness, maybe even a bit of sadness, she was overwhelmed by it all. My sister Karin and I were simply glad to have something. The men turned out to be our neighbors and sensed we needed help and wanted to do something to make this season special for us. They gave their gifts without shaming us, and for once we were glad to receive.

There was food, candies, cookies, even toys and various gifts. One would think that I had learned my lesson back then, but over the years I have turned down so many things, love freely given, grace and kindness shown, forgiveness, jobs and promotions, all why? Because at the depth of my being I felt that I did not deserve such things. I chuckled as I thought about the times I so needlessly suffered and went without, I thought about the invitations I turned down to spend a holiday with a family, or a simple thing like an evening dinner.

I had never learned how to receive - that was it. To receive is to welcome a gift, it means that in some cases I have to acknowledge that I have a need.

I remembered the first time I received a salary for a day's work watching over a boat-rental place on the river in my hometown. Frau Fischer gave me one Mark (25 cents at that time). I had been taught to hem and haw, and appear like I really did it not want it. She would hear nothing of it. She took my dirty little hand, pried it open, inserting the money, telling me that it was mine.

I had received it. It did not matter that soon thereafter I spent it on some ice-cream and soda. I had received what she had given.

Now years later, in a slum in Kampala, walking on a muddy trail I had come to a place once again where I had to acknowledge to myself that I had a deep need in my life, the need to be loved, to be accepted, to be embraced and loved by a human being. I had to acknowledge my deep need, and the fact that I had denied the reality of that need, had shut myself off from receiving.

As I sit here a year later writing this event...I am asking myself, have I learned, can I receive graciously, has there been a change in my life to allow me to be open - to be able to receive?

I smile as I write this. I do not think; that I have arrived; there are still twinges of self-sufficiency, but I am on my way...

How did I get there? Sitting on windswept hill, surrounded by Acacia Trees in an area where the movie "Out of Africa" was filmed I sat in September of 1997. I had just closed my eyes, I was enjoying the sounds of nature around me. My palms were open, and the thought came to me; that this was the essence of prayer, of meditation...a stillness, allowing God to come to me, to take away the things that would do me harm, and to place in them precious gifts. Tears, came down my face, as I allowed the grace of God to permeate my being, to fill my thirsty heart and soul with divine presence, with grace, mercy, kindness. I realized that for most of my life I had lived a pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of life, and had closed myself even from the gifts of God, and there on this windswept hillside the joy of being able to receive came to me. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, to be open, to be needy, able to receive. I am still learning.

Yes, I know you are not in Africa. There are no women coming up your path from the slum, or are there? Could it be that we are not just aware of the needs around us.

What if? What if you and I just engaged in some random acts of kindness and blessed someone today with a gift of a smile, a kind word, a gesture, a gift of ourselves. No, we are not in Africa, but people around us are just in need of love as in Africa. So, why not be part of a miracle for someone today, and do it anonymously...jon

The life of Africa's Women in Stories and Pictures

 

More Holiday Reflections African Style

 

Saint Nicholas Day:  Reflections from Africa on December 6.	Christmas African Style:  What Christmas is like in Uganda East Africa.  Different traditions, same spirit.	Christmas Thoughts from Africa: Reflections of Emmanuel - God with us	Advent with an African touch:  Reflections on Advent the Season of the open door.
Christmas 2009:  Children and their future in Africa and what it means to be a child here.	Christmas Party 2009 for Kids born into Slums:  A lovely celebration it was.	Christmas all year long:  The spirit of Christmas that goes beyond the Season.	No, they don't know it is Christmas - AIDS and the children of Africa
It is still not Christmas in Northern Uganda: a look back to Christmas of 2006 in Northern Uganda	It does not feel like Christmas-Joseph Kony-Christmas 2008: Thoughts on the LRA	Gathering at the Table: Thanksgiving Reflections on Africa, poverty and the plight of Africans.	Childhood lessons on New Year's Eve applied in Africa
Thanksgiving in Africa:  Thoughts and reflections on thanksgiving from Africa.	Easter in Africa - Reflections:  Reflections from Africa on the Easter Season.	Africa's Children-Section:The joys, the sorrows, life for children in Africa. Pictures & Stories	Life in East Africa-Section: Life in Africa - What is it really like?

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